Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid
by NearTheEnd
Summary: Toon Link enlists the help of his fellow swordsmen to guide him on his quest to find love. MarthXRoy, IkeXPit, LinkXZelda, Toon Linkx ?
1. In Which Rabbits Are Victorious

**Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid  
**

**Summary: **Toon Link enlists the help of his fellow swordsmen to guide him on his quest to find love.

**Rating: **T

**Pairing(s): **MarthXRoy, IkeXPit, LinkXZelda, Toon Linkx(?) **  
Disclaimer: **I do not own Super Smash Brothers or any of the characters related to it.

_Thinking_

"Speaking"

Narrating

* * *

Wisps of white swam in the cerulean skies that watched the Smash Mansion, sending out beams of light to make sure it glowed with what could be mistaken for magic and wonder.

The mansion's inhabitants were scattered about and doing whatever it was that they pleased to pass the time. It wasn't fighting season anymore, which left the smashers with a large amount of time to fill on those weeks that special tournaments didn't take place.

Inside, the mansion sparkled in it's spotless glory. The railings were golden and shined so well you could see your reflection. Skylights lined the ceiling to add to that luxurious feeling that tainted the air in the mansion.

Yes, it was a glamorous, disgustingly wealthy living space that held a large number of people yet somehow still managed to retain its mystical snob appeal.

_Too bad there isn't a damn thing to do._

Toon Link shifted for the umpteenth time in his bed, wringing the evergreen blanket of wool in his hands. He had been in bed all day long, trying to figure out how to spend the day. Strangely, he hadn't been able to come up with a single idea.

_Oh, if Older Me could see me now..._

Had Link been aware of his younger self's predicament, he would be running around, screaming something about the apocalypse. Toonie wasn't exactly known for his unoriginality, as he was the mastermind behind 'The Great Frozen Custard Incident'. At this fond memory, the Hylian smirked.

_Ha, it took nearly two hours to put that fire out! Then when they found out about the casserole, oh man..._

But that's a story for another time.  
With a bored sigh, Toon Link decided to take a stroll around the mansion to see if anyone was available to give him a few ideas.  
He hopped out of bed only to find himself on the ground with pain shooting up his jawline and down his neck.

_I really need to stop tripping over the stupid new wooden flooring._

With that goal scrawled upon his metaphorical mental notepad, Toon Link set off to find someone to pester.

...~~SMASHBROS~~...

After wandering around the mansion for a good ten minutes, and then wandering outside for a good five, Toon Link had given up on finding something productive to do and decided to freeload a few snacks from his elder self's friends. They were having some sort of picnic in the backyard of the mansion and seemed to have enough food to feed half the brawlers.

Swiftly, Toonie took a seat in between Roy and his older self, who didn't notice as he was busy debating with a tall man with spiky blue locks. He looked up to survey the group around him, spotting a few familiar faces.

_Let's see...Marth might let me get away with one or two sandwiches. Roy would probably defend me or share with me. Link..well, I don't think he cares that much right now. _

To prove his point, Toon Link snaked his hand across the table and snatched a sandwich from the generous pile before him. He displayed shifty eyes as he slowly brought the snack to his lips and took a bite.

"You should be less obvious," murmured a voice. Startled by the sudden sound, the younger Hylian jumped. This, unfortunately, resulted in his beloved sandwich being flung in the air and falling flat on the ground.

"Damnit, Roy!," he yelled, shoving the laughing redhead.

"Ah ah ah! Language~!," Roy teased, still laughing. Toon Link rolled his eyes before grabbing another sandwich and viciously taking a bite from it. He glanced around the table in boredom, still trying to think of something to occupy his time. His eyes first landed on the other Hylian, who was_ still _trying to claim victory against the tall bluenette.

"Link, give it up, you're not going to win. Cats are better than dogs and you know it," the man yelled.

"Cats can't save you from drowning, now can they?" _One point to Older me._

"Yeah, well cats don't drive you crazy with their obnoxious barking in the middle of the night!" _Nice point there._

Toonie continued to watch the debate as if it were a verbal game of pong, assigning points to each opponent.

"Cats don't even do anything! They just lay there and get pissed at you for accidentally stepping on their tail! If you step on a dog's paw or something they don't go batshit crazy on you!"

"Can't you just agree to disagree or something? All this yelling is giving me a headache..," Marth tried to reason.

"No! This is a serious matter!," the taller bluenette argued. At this, Marth just shook his head and mumbled something under his breath.

"You know, I've always preferred rabbits to cats or do-," Roy reasoned before being interrupted.

"Rabbits?" The debaters froze.

"Uh, yeah? I mean, just look at them! They're fluffy and cute and Marth loves them!," the redhead continued.

"But they stink like a barn," the spiky-haired bluenette responded.

"It's not that bad, really," Link disagreed. Marth took this moment to end the debate,

"Three to one, majority wins. Ike loses."

_Ike..so that's his name.. _

Ike groaned in defeat as Link pumped a fist in the air. His victory celebration ended with a high-five to Roy and a toast to rabbits.

"So, now that that's settled, anything else you guys would like to do?" Marth inquired. Toon Link noticed Roy's eyes quickly flicker to him before he started smirking, an idea obviously forming in that twisted mind of his.

"I know!," the redhead declared. He reached over to grab a can of soda for each person at the table before presenting a mischievous smirk.

"Let's play 'Never Have I Ever!'," he said evilly. The reactions were mixed. Link had a blank expression filled with confusion, Ike smirked, and Marth seemed like he was trying his hardest not to slam his head onto the table.

"Don't you think Toon Link is a little too young for that game?," Marth asked in his mother-hen voice of disapproval. Roy just rolled his eyes before laughing.

"The kid swears like a sailor and he's about Pit's age, anyway. Besides, we're using soda so it's not like he's going to get drunk or anything." Marth shrugged, still doubtful. Roy paid no attention to him as he swung an arm around the younger boy's shoulders and handed him a can.

"Is this your first time playing, Toonie?," he asked with a smile.

_I swear, sometimes he's more like a big brother than Link._

"Uhh...should it be?" Toon Link responded reluctantly. Roy laughed and ruffled the Hylian's hair.  
"You tell me! So you know how to play then?" Toon Link blinked, trying to recall the rules of the game.

_I remember the basic rules but...I don't think Link does.  
_

The Hylian in question seemed to be nervous, if not slightly worried. The younger blonde sighed and shook his head, explaining that he couldn't remember the rules.

"Basically, we go around saying 'Never have I ever' done something, and if you _have_ done it before then you take a drink. If only one person drinks to it, then they have to explain," Ike said in a bored tone. Toon Link nodded and glanced over at Link, who seemed to be considerably less worried.

"Good! So, I guess I'll go first," Roy started, "Never have I ever...watched someone in the shower!"

Everyone but Ike and Marth took a sip.

"Wha-? Toonie!," Link yelled in surprise. Toon Link shrugged, trying not to blush.

"At least I'm honest about it," he reasoned.

"Never have I ever...gotten turned on by the noises my opponent made while brawling," Ike said cautiously.

Link, Ike and Roy drank to that. The younger Hylian shuddered.

_Too much information, Older me._

"Never have I ever let someone win a battle," Marth added. Surprisingly, no one drank to that one. Link sighed as he closed his eyes and thought for a moment.

"Never have I ever...fantasized about someone at this table." A few hands twitched before all but Toon Link took a swig of soda. The boy scanned the table, surprised.  
_  
Am I the only straight one here? I thought Link...?_

"L-Link?," Toon Link stuttered in awe. His older self just blushed and shrugged, not bothering to explain himself. The blonde blinked and looked around the table, wondering who had been the victim of Link's fantasy.

_Ew..I don't even want to think about that!  
_

"Toonie, it's your turn," Roy whispered to him. The boy sighed and tried thinking of something to prove himself.

"Alright, never have I ever...serenaded someone!" Roy hesitated before blushing and drinking. Ike laughed and smirked at the redhead.

"Oh? And who was the lucky man, hmm?" He teased. Marth visibly shifted uncomfortably as Roy nearly choked on his own spit.

"Aww, I didn't know Roy was so romantic! That's so sweet," a voice teased. Toon Link looked up in curiosity to see a brunette boy that looked a little older than him.

_Another newcomer?_

"Sh-shut up, Pit! It was like..a year ago, anyway," the redhead defended, blushing madly. Pit laughed as he positioned himself to sit on Ike's lap.

"So, what song did he sing to you, Marth?," Link asked with a smile. The bluenette blushed and looked away, embarrassed. Once he realized that all eyes were on him, the bluenette mumbled something unintelligible. Roy sighed and turned the color of his hair.

"I...wrote a song for him..," he said reluctantly. An awkward silence passed before laughter erupted from the table. Roy growled and started yelling something about how they were all jealous of his romantic nature, causing the laughter to grow louder.

Marth, now fully embarrassed, suggested that Roy take a walk to calm down. The redhead gave in and grabbed the arm of the younger Hylian, dragging him along.

_What the...?_

"Hey! Why do I have to go!," the boy whined. Roy gave him a halfhearted glare to answer his question.

"Because you're the one who made me admit it!" He reasoned. Toon Link yanked his arm out of the redhead's hold and rubbed his now aching wrist as he walked.

"It's not my fault you're such a pansy...," he mumbled. Roy scoffed and crossed his arms.

"Love makes you do crazy things, Toonie. Stupid, embarrassing, crazy things that you normally wouldn't do," he explained. Toon Link stared at him in curiousity.

_Roy? In Love? Those words don't seem right together..._

"Then why do you do them if you know they're stupid?" The Hylian asked. The older boy shrugged and looked up at the sky, as if the answer was spelled out in the stars.

_Whoa, when did it get so dark?_

"You know, I have no clue, Toonie. All I know is that a smile from the one you love is worth doing embarrassing stuff like singing a song you wrote to someone," Roy laughed as a light blush dusted his cheeks, "even if it's the crappiest song to ever reach the outside world." Toon Link stopped and looked up at the redhead.

_It looks like he's...glowing. His eyes are all cloudy and the way he's staring at the stars...is that what love does to you?_

"Hey...Roy?," the blonde asked in a shy tone. Roy blinked, as if coming out of a daydream, and looked down at the boy.

"Yeah?"

Toon Link opened his mouth but found no words coming out. His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to think of a way to word his thoughts.

"I..I want to know what love feels like," he responded softly. Their eyes locked, cerulean boring holes into the young boy's irises.

_Why is he staring at me like that?_

A soft smile spread on Roy's lips and he nodded. Toon Link stared up at him, waiting for an explanation.

"I'll help you, Toonie! But let me just warn you...you can't control love," he nearly whispered.

"What's that supposed to mean?," the Hylian asked in slight irritation. Roy frowned for a moment before explaining with caution.

"All I'm saying is that the person you fall in love with...might not feel the same," the redhead said, staring into the younger boy's eyes again.

_Whoa. I've never seen him this serious before..._

Silence passed as Toon Link tried to think of a way to respond. Before he could say anything he heard Roy laugh nervously.

"Well, anyway, we should be heading back, eh? Don't want Link to think I lost you or something," he said. Toon Link nodded and followed the older male, thinking quietly to himself.

...~~SMASHBROS~~...

When the duo returned the table, they were greeted with the sight of a blushing Marth, a flustered and stuttering Link, and a laughing Ike rolling around on the grass.

"Did we miss something important?," Roy asked reluctantly, taking in the scene before him. Toon Link looked between Link and Marth, smirking as he noticed the shade of red his elder self sported.

_Heh, he looks like a tomato._

"Hey Roy! Guess wha-" Ike was interrupted by a foot to the face from his dear friend Link.

"Say a word and I'm telling Pit about that one picture you hide in that one box in your closet," the Hylian warned. Ike visibly paled and shut his mouth. Toon Link made a mental note to explore Ike's closet in the future.

"Marth, what happened?," the redhead asked in a whiny manner. The bluenette just shook his head as his blush increased.

This went on for a while, until Toon Link was no longer able to keep his eyes open or his head from dropping onto the table. Once that happened, however, Link was forced to carry his younger brother to his room.

Toon Link yawned as his evergreen blanket was thrown haphazardly onto him by a tired Link.

"G'night, Older Me," the boy mumbled as he cuddled into the blanket. The older Hylian nodded and mumbled a goodnight before gently closing the door. After a few seconds of silence, the door opened again.

"Oh yeah, and Roy said to tell you he's coming to get you at eight'o clock sharp or something, so be ready," Link informed his younger self. Toon Link grunted in response and the door was closed once more.

The blonde closed his eyes, remembering the moment from earlier when he had seen a lovestruck Roy staring at the stars.

_I really hope I get to see what that feels like. Even if it's only for a moment.  
_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: **OKAY YEAH I HAVE A BUNCH OF OTHER STORIES TO UPDATE BUT I REAAAALLY WANTED TO GET THIS UP. The next chapter should come out by Saturday, and since Winter Break is coming up I should be updating my stories more often.  
I've never written for Toon Link, so I hope he wasn't too OOC. And the 'Great Frozen Custard Incident'? You'll figure out what happened there by the end of the fic, I promise XD  
Review, please!_  
_


	2. In Which Root Beer Floats

**Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid**

**Summary:** Toon Link enlists the help of his fellow swordsmen to guide him on his quest to find love.

**Rating:** T

**Pairing(s): **MarthXRoy, IkeXPit, LinkXZelda, Toon Linkx(?)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Super Smash Brothers or any of the characters related to it.

_Thinking_

"Speaking"

Narrating

Adding _inflection_ to a sentence

* * *

The morning generally wasn't an enemy of Toon Link's.

In fact, the blonde rather liked mornings due to the breakfasts that would be served and the well-rested feeling he would get once awake.

But today was an exception. Maybe it was the hour his sleep was disturbed or the way his pleasant dream was rudely interrupted, but he wasn't the happiest camper when his eyes opened to see an empty bucket seemingly floating in midair or when he felt the feeling of dampness in his trusty evergreen blanket.

"Wake up!," a familiar voice called as another bucket of water was dumped onto the Hylian. The blonde didn't have enough time to finish yawning and therefore got a large portion of water in his mouth, causing him to choke. After a short series of hacks and coughs, the boy sat up and gave the intruder his best 'Do-that-again-and-I'll-shove-that-bucket-down-your-throat' glare he could muster up. Until he noticed a mop of red hair and somewhat annoyed blue eyes staring back at him.

"Finally, you're awake! It took me half an hour to wake your lazy ass up," Roy chided. Toon Link just rolled his eyes and stared down at his blanket.  
_  
That was my favorite one, too...  
_

"And you couldn't just wake me up like a normal person? Where did you get those buckets anyway?," the Hylian asked irritably.

Roy set down the second bucket to stand with his arms akimbo, donning a defensive expression to match.

"I tried but you just started mumbling random stuff and moving around instead of waking up. Drastic times call for drastic measures, kid. And where I get my buckets is my business," he responded. Toon Link couldn't help but roll his eyes once more before peeling off his wet blanket and slipping out of bed.

_And he sticks the landing! Good job, self._

A wave of accomplishment passed through him for a few seconds as he waddled away from his bed and to his closet to change. Unfortunately, his success didn't last very long as Roy was in the room and therefore _had _to make him trip by sticking out his foot. Toon Link grumbled as his jaw hit the floor and laughing filled the background.

_Asshole._

"You got ten minutes, kid! I'll meet you in the back by the oak tree, 'kay?" And with that, the redhead sped off before he could be verbally and/or physically attacked. The young Hylian's eye twitched out of annoyance as he pushed himself up onto his knees and stared at the floor.

_Of course he wasn't man enough to stick around. Hmph._

After a quick breakfast and a change of clothing, Toon Link found himself stuck in a tree with nothing to do but stare at a redhead pretending to be deep in thought. Well, it wasn't so much pretending as it was exaggeration.

_No one actually strokes their chin when they're thinking, that idiot._

"Hey Toonie?," Roy asked quietly, breaking the silence. The Hylian sighed and blinked, directing his attention to the older male.

"Umm, this might sound weird but...what's your type?," he questioned.

_...does he mean my blood type or...?_

"My..type? What do you mean 'my type'?," the boy asked in confusion. Roy sighed impatiently and attempted an explanation.

"You know, your type! What kinda people do you go for? Are you into girly girls – or guys, I guess- or the more butch type of lady? Bears or twinks, ya know?" Toon Link couldn't think of a better way to respond than staring.

_Bears? Twinks? _

"I'm not into fur if that's what you're asking," he ended up saying. It was Roy's turn to stare for a few seconds before bursting out in a fit of laughter. The young Hylian glared at him, resisting the urge to shove the laughing boy out of the tree.

"N-no, that's not what I meant," he said in between laughs. Once the laughter died down, Roy took a deep breath and continued his interrogation.

"So, anyway, what kind of girls do you like?," he asked seriously. Toon Link blinked as his face suddenly felt a little warmer.  
_  
What kind of girls_ do _I like?  
__  
_"Um...I dunno. The kind that doesn't start yelling and bitching about stuff once a month?," he answered. This caused Roy to start laughing again, which only annoyed the younger male.

_It was a valid answer, why is he laughing!_

"So no older girls then, got it," the redhead ruled out, wiping tears from his eyes. Toon Link nodded and continued.

"Other than that, I don't think I have a type," he concluded. Roy nodded and sat for a moment in thought. It took a few minutes, but the older boy finally smirked and abruptly turned to Toon Link, scaring the younger boy in the process.

_Why is he looking at me like that?_

"I've got an idea! And I think you're going to like it..," the redhead informed his comrade. The hylian almost cringed, suddenly regretful.

...~~SMASHBROS~~...

"But he said _I_ could be the knight!"

"You are the knight, I am your brave but reluctant squire."

"No, you're supposed to be the horse!"

"But it's Nana's turn to be the horse!"

"Guys, please.."

"I was the horse last time! Why can't I be the princess?"

"Because every knight needs a horse!"

"_I'll_ be the horse, guys! Just stop fighting!"

"...well if he's going to be the horse then I want to be the knight."

"You were the knight last time!"

Pit face-palmed, tired of listening to the bickering of his younger companions. He briefly wondered how he got tricked into babysitting - or rather 'kid-watching' was the more appropriate term - when he had been absorbed in his comics no more than half an hour ago.

It had been Red who begged and pleaded for a break from the younger smashers, promising some kind of consolation prize to the angel if he agreed to watch them for a few hours. So, with reluctance, Pit obliged.

But he had no idea it would be this tiring. All he had succeeded in doing in a half-hour of being around them was give himself a tension headache and get the tweens to argue about what role they wanted to play.

"Hey, Pit?," a young voice piped up. The brunette nearly jumped, too lost in his regret to notice a hand tugging on the sleeve of his shirt.

"Oh! Sorry I was thinking..um..what is it Lucas?," the angel asked. The small blonde glanced over at the other children before answering slowly.

"Well..Toon Link wanted to know if we could hang out with him for a bit..."

Pit held back a cheer and thought over the request. On one hand, he could escape the quarrels and squabbles of the young group. But on the other hand, Red might go ballistic if one of the kids happened to blow anything up or hurt someone or something.  
"Okay, how about this? You guys can go but I have to supervise," the angel compromised.

"Oh, don't worry, Roy will be there to watch us!"

The brunette blinked - momentarily wondering why Lucas's voice sounded so different - until he realized that there was another blonde before him.

"Oh, Toonie! I didn't see you there. So, Roy's going to supervise you, then?," he asked skeptically. It was no secret that the redhead wasn't very responsible and had a knack for lighting things on fire without any intention to.

"Yup. I think he said he was going to bring Mar-"

"Okay, see you then!" Once he heard the name of a certain respectable blue-hared gentleman, Pit figured that it was his best bet to retreat.

"So it's settled, then. Come on guys, to my room!" With that, Toon Link led the suddenly content group of tweens to his room with reluctance to match the size of Alaska.

_Alright, I got all the younger smashers just like he said to._ _I hope Roy knows what he's doing.._

...~~SMASHBROS~~...

Red smiled peacefully as he scooped another helping of ice cream into his mug. He hadn't been able to relax like this in ages! Of course, it was always due to the number of young children following him all the time. Not that he really minded all that much, though.

"But it's always nice to have some time to yourself," the brunette mumbled to himself as he set the ice cream container back into the freezer. A blur of red caught his eye, making him turn in curiosity. He let out a sigh of relief as he realized it was only a familiar redhead stalking the kitchen like usual.

"Hey Red," Roy greeted while he made his way to the pantry. Red nodded in acknowledgment as he watched the redhead open the door and pull out a bottle of water.

"Training?," the brunette asked. Roy smirked and shook his head before uncapping the bottle and chugging down the whole thing in one gulp. Red stared, confused.

"Hm? Oh, I just needed a bottle! I'm getting some friends to play 'Spin The Bottle'," the redhead laughed. Red nodded in understanding, not sure how to react.

"Ever played, Red?," the shorter boy inquired. The brunette shook his head.

"Ah, well, you should sometime. You know, that's how I got up the courage to tell someone how I felt about them! Strange how it works, isn't it?"

Red only nodded for the third time and mumbled an unsure 'yeaaaah' before walking over to the pantry and pulling out his own supplies.

"Well, gotta go! Toonie should be back by now. Have fun with your root beer float or whatever," Roy said as a farewell. Red made a grunt of agreement in response as he carefully poured the soft drink into his mug.

"...wait. Spin the bottle. W-with...Toonie?"

...~~SMASHBROS~~...

Toon Link stared in disbelief at the redheaded boy before him who, despite smirking rather mischievously, was pleading innocence.

"We're going to play what?," the boy asked as harshly as he could in a hushed tone. His face was tinted beet red as he tugged on the front of a laughing Roy's t-shirt in fury.

_I can't believe he just expects me to agree to this stupid game!_

"Spin the Bottle. Unless you're..scared," the redhead teased. Toon Link growled lowly as he closed his eyes and tried to calm himself.

_How dare he say I'm scared! It's just a few kisses, anyway. What's there to worry about? Hah, I'll show him! _

"Fine, I'll play. But how is this going to help me find love?," he asked. Roy responded with a deadpan expression, as if the answer was planted on a flashing billboard lit up in neon lights with big bold letters.

"I'll have you know that you will be able to tell if you kiss someone you're attracted to. Hell, it's how I got together with Marth! So if it can work for _me_, it_ has_ to work with you," he answered with enthusiasm. Toon Link sighed and gave in, figuring that it wouldn't hurt to try.

"Okay, everyone circle 'round!," Roy called out. The other tweens obeyed instantly, thankful for something to do besides stand around and watch Toon Link whisper nonsense to the older male.

"We're going to play...Spin the Bottle!" With his announcement, the redhead brought out the empty bottle he had been hiding behind his back and displayed it to the younger smashers.

"...are you playing, Roy?," Nana asked shyly. Roy blinked and looked over at Toon Link in the corner of his eye, who seemed to be glaring at him mercilessly.

_He better not be. There's no way I'm risking having to kiss that moron. _

"Um...I'll just supervise. Someone has to be the responsible one here, eh?," he laughed nervously. Nana mumbled something under her breath and was given a strange look from her brother.

"Okaaay then, who goes first?," Ness asked in boredom. He wasn't sure if he could stand to sit in silence any longer.

"I will," Popo volunteered. Roy threw the bottle to him and the small group scooted about to make enough room for the bottle to spin. It was then that Toon Link realized something.

"Hey, wait. There's only one girl here," he said in realitization. The rest of the kids looked around the circle, testing the hylian's theory.

_I bet he planned this! That stupid redheaded mastermind, trying to make it seem like I'd want to kiss a-_

"Just spin the bottle already," Ness commanded, annoyed. Popo grumbled a bit before setting the bottle on the floor and giving it a spin. The bottle rotated a few times before settling on Toon Link.

_Please let there be someone behind me._

"W-wha-?"

"E-eh..."

Roy couldn't help but crack a smile at the flushed faces of the two, who both seemed to be frozen in place.

"The bottle has chosen!," the redhead announced officially. He donned a faint smirk as he grabbed onto a flustered Toonie's shoulders and gave him a light shove.

"Go get 'em tiger!," he whispered playfully.

_He better sleep with one eye open tonight._

Toon Link resisted the urge to smack Roy in the back of the head and faced his chosen partner. Popo stared blankly at the blonde for what seemed like hours, his eyes occasionally darting to the small group of children laughing at the duo.

"A-alright..um..well, _you_ spun the bottle so _you_ have to kiss_ me_," he explained. The brunette blinked and grew a brighter red as he assessed the situation.

"..if you say so..," he sighed. With a deep breath, and a stomach full of butterflies having some kind of rave, Popo stood up and walked over to Toon Link. He rested one hand on his cheek and leaned forward, closing the gap between the two.

The blonde's eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into the kiss.

"...you really should learn to close the door all the way before you do stupid stuff, Roy-boy."

* * *

**A/N: **And so ends another chapter! I'd like to thank those who have favorited, story-alerted and reviewed! May the force be with you. I really hope no one is too OOC here. Also, I was wondering what Toon Link pairing people supported the most so I could get an idea of who he should end up with!


	3. In Which Pet Names Are Stupid

**Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid**

**Summary:** Toon Link enlists the help of his fellow swordsmen to guide him on his quest to find love.

**Rating: **T

**Pairing(s):** MarthXRoy, IkeXPit, LinkXZelda, Toon Linkx(?)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Super Smash Brothers or any of the characters related to it.

_Thinking_

"Speaking"

Narrating

Adding _inflection_ to a sentence

* * *

No less than a minute after Toon Link had had his first kiss stolen by a certain Ice Climber that had been more red than the mop of hair Roy claimed was natural, chaos had ensued.

Apparently Roy had been so excited about his plan that would rival Cupid's matchmaking skills that he had almost forgotten that Toon Link's door was not an automatic one and could not close by itself. Though he accepted the door as it was and would never discriminate against manual doors, as soon as he was about it touch it he noticed it had radioactive poison on it that was invisible to the human eye. Luckily, the day before, Roy had acquired the ability to see invisible objects, so he could see the radioactive poison on the doorknob. He didn't announce it though, for that would make the rebellious children purposely not listen to him.  
So he left it as it was.

Or at least, that's what he told his beloved and Ike – the tattletale.

"Thank you for further proving my point that Roy is a liar, Marth," Ike said snobbishly. Marth sighed and turned to Roy.

"Okay, so what _really_ happened?," he asked him calmly. Roy's eye visibly twitched for a split-second before he brought his hands together to form a begging pose.

"That's what happened, honest! W-why won't you believe me, Marthy?," the redhead pleaded. He gave the blue-haired prince his best puppy dog eyes and almost got the water works running. The keyword being _'almost_', as his act completely died and turned to irritation as he heard the obnoxious laugh of another blue-haired man.

"_Marthy_? Are you serious?," Ike said between fits of laughter. Roy pouted and crossed his arms, his face now a soft red.

"What? You got something against pet names?," he asked in a threatening tone. The mercenary shook his head as his laughing calmed.

"Only if they're that _stupid_," he countered. Roy scoffed and demanded to know Ike's pet name for his own lover.

"Pit? Hah, well that's easy. I just call my angel because that's what he is," he answered arrogantly. Roy uncrossed his arms to put them on his hips to adopt a ticked expression.

"That's not a pet name! If that's how things worked then I should call Marth my dashing prince!," he argued. Marth sighed and nudged the redhead.

"Roy, you _do _call me that," he whispered as a light blush became visible atop his pale complexion. Roy stuttered nonsense as his failure became evident while Ike smirked at his victory.

Toon Link rolled his eyes.

_Is it really that easy to distract them?_

"Toon Link," Ike suddenly said seriously, "let's go for a walk for something, okay?"

The blond felt himself cringe and held back a glare.

_He's treating me like a 3 year old. _

Instead of holding it against the taller man, however, the hylian decided to be mature about it and obey his command. He could prove how mature he was, after all.

"So, what really happened?," Ike asked after they were out of the room. The blond sighed and thought for a moment, trying to decide whether to be honest or not.

_Well, Ike could help me. Roy got his chance._

"Well, I asked Roy if he could help me with...with finding love. So, he suggested that we pla-"

"Wait, let me get this straight. You asked _Roy_, of all people, to help you in the romance department?," the blue-haired man asked with a deadpan expression.

"Is it..that bad?," the boy asked in confusion. Ike sighed and shook his head.

"Don't get me wrong, Roy can be romantic. But he got incredibly lucky," the blue-haired man explained.

"Well what would you suggest then?," Toon Link inquired. Ike took a moment to think this over, watching the concrete trail they were walking on. The duo set into a comfortable silence, breathing in the crisp autumn air.  
The blond's eyes scanned the scene around him, smiling as he saw his friends playing a game that he presumed was tag. It brought a nostalgic feeling to his senses and he suddenly wished he wasn't trying to accomplish a feat that was so adult.

"Tell me, Toonie, what do girls like?," Ike asked suddenly. The hylian blinked as the question slowly processed through his head.

"I don't know...shopping? Clothes? Money?," he answered. Ike couldn't help but chuckle at the stereotypical answer.

"Yeah, all those things, but what do they like in a guy?," he clarified.

"Um..a guy with money? Or a nice car?" Ike sighed and shook his head.

"No, Toon," he started, "girls are much more complicated than that." The blond nodded and got his mental notepad ready to take notes.

_Girls. Complicated. Got it._

"You see, there are many, many girls that span the globe! Look at the women around you and tell me what you see," he challenged. While Ike took a seat on a nearby bench, Toon Link decided to do as instructed.

_Let's see. Zelda; graceful yet independent. Then there's Peach...the classic damsel-in-distress. Oh, there's also Samus, who...well.._

"Notice anything yet?"

Toon Link nodded, the metaphorical gears in his head beginning to turn.

"They're all different," he concluded. Ike nodded and gave the boy a pat on the back.

"Correct. But can you think of one thing that they would all love to see in a guy?," he asked, leaning down to the hylian's eye level.

The boy took a moment to think before shaking his head in defeat.

_Why can't he just tell me already?_

"My friend, there is nothing any and every straight woman in this world would want more in this world than a man with manners," he stated, answering his own question. Toon Link stared blankly in response.

"But I thought girls liked bad boys?," he asked confusedly. Ike chuckled lightly and nodded.

"Some do, Toon. But who says you can't be a gentleman _and_ a man of mystery at the same time?"

Now willing to accept Ike's logic, Toon Link shrugged to show his approval. Ike, now leading the boy down the trail they were walking earlier, wrapped an arm around the blond as he dove into a hypothetical world of 'imagine if's mixed with sweet fantasies of the possible outcomes.

"Trust me, you'll have girls _begging _for your attention."

* * *

Toon Link resisted the urge to slam his head against the dining room table as Ike scolded him yet again.

"No, no! You never let the girl pay for the meal!," he insisted. The blue-haired man took a deep breath, straightened the napkin on his lap, and nodded.

"Okay. Now. Let's try this again," he ordered, his voice laced with the tiniest bit of annoyance.

"Red!"

The brunette stumbled into the room. He wore a simple black apron atop his casual clothing and had taken off his hat once collected for the role of 'the waiter'.

"J-Just a second!," he called out in response. Toon Link and his current mentor were too busy going over the procedures to notice a small blond boy attached to Red's right leg like glue.

"Please, Red? I promise I won't get in the way..," the boy pleaded. The brunette sighed and looked down at the boy, who seemed to be on the verge of tears. He signaled for Lucas to 'wait one moment' - which in turn meant 'release me from your grip of death' - and walked over to Ike.

"Hey, would it be okay if Lucas sits and watches or something? The other guys were being kind of...exclusive and he doesn't want to be alone, so..."

"Yeah, it's fine. In fact...can you bring him over here?" Red took a moment to blink, which was taken as a sign of processing information, and did as was asked of him.

"Hey Lucas, you wanna play a game?," Ike asked once the boy was brought over. The blond's eyes darted over to Toon Link, who looked slightly confused, before he agreed to play.

"Okay! Now, you just sit here, where I'm sitting," the man explained as he guided Lucas over to the seat, "and now you're going to pretend that you're on a date with Toon Link. Okay?"

As soon as the word 'date' had reached Lucas' ears, a bright red hue of embarrassment tinted his cheeks. He took a deep breath before nodding and turned to face his "date". Toon Link stared at the boy, unsure of what to do now.

_Ah, don't freeze up!_ _Just do what you practiced with Ike! Remember, be a gentleman._

"Be a gentleman, be a gentleman," the boy muttered to himself for motivation. The hylian looked up at Lucas and gave him his best smile.

"I-I'm glad you could make it..._sweetie_," he said in what he hoped was a smooth tone.

_Well, that sounded stupid._

Lucas blinked in surprise and opened his mouth to respond. Apparently speechless, the boy opted to nod instead.

"I'm Red and I'll be your waiter this evening," Red greeted them. Toon Link thought over his next move with a tinge of nervousness.

_Alright, step one was to acknowledge the other. Step two...step two...oh!_

"I-I'd like the finest wine you have!," the hylian stuttered out, his voice cracking on the word 'wine'. Lucas seemed to hold back a smile as he saw Toon Link's face redden.

"I mean..not just for me! For both of us! A-and not wine, I meant juice!," the boy added as an afterthought. Red smiled and scribbled the order down on his handy-dandy notepad before excusing himself to get the beverages.

_Nice save, Toonie! Alright, time for step three: woo your date._

"You look hot," Toon Link blurted out at the same time Lucas had boldly stated "How are you?"

The two stared at each other in embarrassment, waiting to see who would speak first.

"What did you say?," Lucas asked as Toon Link stuttered "A-and by hot I meant cute!"

_Smooth, Toon. Reaaal smooth._

"Your juice, gentlemen," Red said as he set down two boxes of grape juice on the table. Toon Link nodded and mumbled a 'thanks' before releasing his straw from it's package and stabbing the top of the box with it.

Unfortunately, he had stabbed the box at the wrong angle and had made juice come squirting out onto his blond companion. Lucas made a sound of surprise as he realized he was being sprayed with juice and focused on the panicking hylian who was chanting apologies like a broken record. The juice-covered blond assured the other that all was fine, but he was ignored as Toon Link dove onto the boy with a handful of napkins.

"H-here, I'll get it!"

"No, it's okay, really!"

The two froze as they realized the position they were in. Toon Link had his hand pressing against his friend's chest and was straddling him. Lucas was under the boy with both his hands pressed up against the hylian's chest also, but clinging onto the fabric of his shirt. There was little space between them, as Toon Link had gotten so worked up about the stain on the blond's shirt that he had leaned as close as possible to it in an attempt to scrub it off. This left the duo with about an inch-and-a-half of space between their bodies.

_Whoa. This close up, Lucas looks kinda...pretty.._

Lucas stiffened suddenly, a bright red blush and widened eyes present on his face, and gently pushed Toon Link off of him before making a mad dash away from the scene.

"...e-eh?," the hylian managed to get out as his brain tried to process what had just happened.

"Huh? Where'd Lucas go?"

_I don't think I've ever seen such a pretty boy before..._

"Toon! What happened? Agh, there's juice all over the floor and the table and...you're the one cleaning this up, kid!"

_Now that I think about it, he looked kind of cute when he blushed..._

"Are you even listening?"

Toon Link, in a daze of some strange new emotion, stared off into space as Ike continued to demand his attention.

"Heads up!"

The hylian started as he felt something smack the back of his head, jolting him out of his thoughts.

"Huh?"  
"Clean it up!" Toon Link glanced over at the spilled juice and then over to a roll of paper towels on the floor.

"R-right," he muttered.

With a single nod, Toon Link got to cleaning without another word.

_What was that feeling?_

**

* * *

**

AN: Is that foreshadowing I smell?

Nawww, couldn't be!

Well, I'm sorry this took so long to get out! I had the first half typed out since I posted the last chapter, but I kept thinking 'oh, it won't be too hard to finish that chapter anyway! I'll just get a few other stories updated before I finish it'.

Turns out this chapter actually was harder to think up than I thought it'd be OTL

I hope you guys liked it, though! I'll work harder to get the next chapter up as soon as possible!


	4. In Which A Couple Snogs

**Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid**

**Summary:** Toon Link enlists the help of his fellow swordsmen to guide him on his quest to find love.

**Rating:** T

**Pairing(s): **MarthXRoy, IkeXPit, LinkXZelda, Toon Linkx(?)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Super Smash Brothers or any of the characters related to it.

_Thinking_

"Speaking"

Narrating

Adding _inflection_ to a sentence

* * *

Toon Link didn't mind seeing his older friends' affection for one another. Every now and then he was prone to getting a little uncomfortable, especially when making-out ensued.

_But this is a whole new level of uncomfortable._

Upon finishing his cleaning duties related to what he called 'The Grape Juice Incident', Toon Link decided to go to a trusted mentor and try to figure out what that strange feeling had been.

_What a terrible idea. _

Considering the 'trusted mentor' was Roy, who had been occupied with..._satisfying a very adult urge_ (read: doing Marth). This left the poor hylian to walk in on one of the most disturbing and/or awkward scenes he had ever witnessed.

Fortunately, one of the two had enough sense to stop what they were doing and politely ask Toon Link to step out for a minute.

_What else was to be expected of a prince? _

Which brings us to the present, with Toon Link outside of Marth and Roy's room, waiting to be accompanied by some sort of older companion.

Which was just what he got when the door opened and revealed a very clothed, very flustered, yet still very princely, Marth Lowell. 

"Sorry about that, we..haven't been issued a lock yet," he apologized with a nervous chuckle. The blond resisted the urge to shiver at the reminder of what he had just seen and nodded in appreciation.

"So, did you need something?," the prince asked in a strangely calm tone. With a suddenly blanked mind – which must have been caused by the initial shock from seeing his two friends doing.._it_ – Toon Link took a moment to try and remember why he was where he was.

_I was going to do something...hmmm...oh! The incident! Right!_

"Yeah, I just wanted to talk to Roy about something," he answered as casually as possible. Marth nodded and blushed lightly, his eyes glancing at the door as he thought of the redhead.

"Right. Well, I don't think it would be very smart to wake him up right now, so...you could talk to me if you want," Marth suggested. Toon Link weighed his options.

_Marth doesn't seem like he could cause too much trouble. I already tried Roy and that didn't get anything accomplished. Then there was Ike..which ended in me cleaning for an hour and getting that weird feeling. Alright, let's see where this goes._

"Okay," the boy agreed. With that, Toon Link led the prince to a much more secluded and secretive place to talk about his inner most emotions that confused him so.

_Wow. No one told me finding love turned you into a pansy._

* * *

Lucas had a habit of hiding.

So it was to no one's surprise when the blond had been found locked in the bathroom via his own embarrassment and inability to face the outside world.

Ness had tried to bribe the kid out, which didn't work in the very least.

Nana had suggested they all play a game if Lucas came out, but the three ended up arguing over which game to play.

Popo had tried tricking the blond by pretending to leave and wait and see if the door opened just a crack. This had worked for only a minute or so, for as soon as the blond boy saw another person, he slammed the door shut.

Upset by their failures, the trio sulked away to bother Red with their dilemma. The brunentte suggested leaving Lucas alone for a bit and waiting for him to come to them, but they insisted that doing so would take centuries.

So, Red had taken the liberty of enlisting a friend - who had been conveniently walking by as the idea struck the pokemon trainer- to get the boy to come out of the bathroom and face reality.

"I can't believe I agreed to this," Pit mumbled to himself. He had been waiting outside of the bathroom door for half-an-hour and was beginning to lose his patience. He was all up for helping people, but who wouldn't get annoyed with having to postpone their own personal needs to get a kid out of the bathroom?

"And I have to go so badly, too," the angel whined. To his surprise, the doorknob slowly turned and the door opened within seconds of his grievance.

"Did...you have to use the bathroom?." asked a shy voice. Pit glanced up with wide eyes and nodded. Lucas apologized and opened the door to step outside. The angel hopped back onto his feet with ease and rushed into the bathroom with a quick 'thank you'.

The small blond boy stood outside the bathroom door with a clueless expression. What was he supposed to do now? If he went back to his friends then they would be annoyed with him, but who knows how Pit would react?

"So, kid, what's wrong?," he heard the angel say as he opened the door. Lucas looked up at him, contemplated on sharing, and shrugged.

"Just..a bad day, I guess," he lied. Pit eyed him warily before nodding and exiting the bathroom.

"Oh, and you should go back to your friends and Red, they're worried," the brunette suggested before he left.

The blond sighed before stumbling off to Red's room.

* * *

After a brief explanation of 'The Grape Juice Incident', Marth had a general idea of what Toon Link was experiencing.

"The feeling you got was affection for another," he explained. The hylian stared at him in confusion, unsure of what that meant for him.

"It's...the beginning of a crush, I guess you could say," Marth added. Toon Link blinked a few times, trying to comprehend this theory.

_A crush? On Lucas? But...but he's a guy! _

"But I'm not like that! I don't like guys!," he argued. The blue-haired man couldn't help but smirk at this, shaking his head as he held back the urge to laugh.

"What?," Toon Link defended. The elder sighed and smiled as he told the hylian to calm himself.

"Calm down? How can I calm down when you're implying that I'm...l-like _that_!"

At this, Marth covered his mouth as he let a few chuckles out.

_That jerk, he's laughing at me! _

"Please, excuse me for laughing, but..you have no idea how familiar this conversation is to me," he explained. Toon Link huffed and crossed his arms, waiting for a better explanation. Marth nodded and took his silence as a signal to start.

"You see, there was a time when I happened to have this same talk with your brother...or would older self be a better term?"

The hylian shrugged indifferently.

"Anyway, I remember saying the same things you had. I couldn't believe that Link was telling me I was attracted to another man," the elder went on. He had a nostalgic touch to his words and seemed to be in almost reliving the experience.

"However, once it's there...it's there," he added, locking eyes with the younger boy.

"You can't deny your feelings for someone, it isn't fair to either of you."

Toon Link felt as if his eyes were being drilled into, but refused the urge to look away. The two held eye contact a little longer, not a word spoken between them.

"..how..did you go about..expressing your feelings?," Toon Link asked, interrupting the silence. Marth blinked and closed his eyes in thought, humming lowly.

"Well, I'm sure you heard about part of the story from Roy; 'Spin The Bottle' and whatnot. However...there was something I had to do before I was sure that I wanted to be with Roy and only Roy," he explained.  
"What was that?," the hylian asked, completely enthralled by the tale.

"I had to see what my other options were, and before you make a step to court someone, I think you should do the same," Marth suggested.

_See what my other options are..._

"How do I do that?," the blond inquired. Marth sighed, most likely tired of all the questions, and shrugged.

"Just..find out what you're missing out on. There's tons of people in the world, so make sure that Lucas is the one you want to go after. Find out what people share your interests," he advised.

_Like...a dating site? _

"You're right!," the hylian cheered as he dove off of his bed and made a dash for his computer. Marth merely turned in Toon Link's general direction, still seated on the bed.

"What are you doing?," the blue-haired man asked in curiosity. Toon Link smirked and typed away, too focused on his current activity to answer the elder. Unsure of what to do now, Marth walked over to the young hylian and peeked over his shoulder.

"A dating site?," he asked in a disgusted tone. Toon Link scoffed and turned to face him.

"You said to see what's available and what better way to do so than see what people are like around the world, hm?"

Marth sighed and shrugged, giving in.

_Name...Link. Age...19, just to be safe. Interests..archery, going on adventures, saving princesses. No, that sounds too cliché. Let's see..interests: going to parties, long walks on the beach and..archery. _

"Alright, now for the fun part. Here," the blond handed Marth a small camera, "go take a picture of Link and report back here."

The blue-haired man blinked and glanced over at the door.

"But..this is for you, not Link," he said slowly. Toon Link sighed and shook his head.

"No one is going to see a picture of some kid and think, 'wow, I want to get to know him!'. Besides, Link is basically me, so I don't see why it matters."

Marth sighed and thought for a while. Eventually, he concluded that the plan was absurd anyway and Toon Link would learn his lesson in the end.

"Fine," he agreed and left to get a picture of the elder hylian.

* * *

Marth wasn't sure how to go about his situation.

While he was sure that he could get a picture of Link from where he was, he didn't think that a picture of the blond snogging with a certain princess was very suitable for a dating site.

Which left him with little to do but wait.

And wait.

_And wait. _

It had been nearly _half-an-hour_ now, and he wasn't sure how long he would be sitting in a bush just _waiting_ for the two to separate long enough for a picture.

Considering the way that the sunlight hit the hylian's sandy hair and the way he carried himself, it was no doubt that just a minute or two of stillness would ensure a picture to die for.

But that didn't seem like it would happen anytime soon.

"There has to be a way to-"

"Marth?"

The blue-haired man froze in fear, clutching the camera tightly as if it would disappear if he just held on tight enough. There was the sound of leaves being shifted from side to side and the faint sight of red-orange nearing.

"What're you doing in a bush?"

Marth opened his eyes in surprise to see his redheaded lover sitting before him.

"Roy?"

The boy in question nodded, a smirk on his face.

"The one and only. So, you never answered me."

Marth sighed and glanced over to see Link still occupied. He almost glared at the sight but shook his head instead, opting to explain his current dilemma in the form of whispering.

"Toon Link wants me to get a picture of Link for this dating site, but he's been...busy for the past half hour," he explained in irritation. Roy peeked out of the bush and smiled.

"Well well well, he never told me about this," he mumbled more so to himself than the man sitting beside him. The redhead shrugged, figuring he could tease the hylian about it later, and turned to his lover.

"So, why're you still waiting when you could just walk up to them and-"

"Because I haven't thought of a good enough excuse to get a picture yet," Marth answered in an almost whiny manner. Roy laughed quietly, commenting about how cute the other looked when pouting.

"I'm not pouting," he insisted, crossing his arms. Roy smiled and kissed the prince on the cheek.

"You _so_ are," he teased. Marth huffed and uncrossed his arms, resting them on the younger male's knees. The redhead smiled, shifting a bit in his 'criss-cross applesauce' position. The prince leaned forward and touched his own forehead to Roy's, closing his eyes and sighing.

The redhead smiled and closed his eyes also, enjoying the moment of mutual relaxation. After a good five minutes, Marth leaned back slightly and gazed at the boy.

"You know, some people find that being intimate in public is a huge turn on," Roy informed the other, a smirk present on his lips. Marth took a moment to assess the situation.

He glanced back at the couple, who seemed to have either turned invisible or left at some point.

Well, he could either go after Link – who would most likely either be alone or _even more occupied_ – or he could stay and have some intimate alone time with Roy.

"We never did get to finish," the redhead added in a persuasive tone.

Well, that was a good enough reason, right?

"It's completely against all I stand for, you know," Marth replied half-heartedly. Roy shrugged, not caring in the least.

"I could most likely get in huge trouble if anyone were to find out," he continued, slowly growing weaker as the younger boy crawled onto him.

"And?," Roy asked, disinterested yet still sporting his trademark smirk. The two waited for the other to make the first move. Marth made a small sound of annoyance as he gave into his urges and gently pushed the redhead onto the ground.

When asked later about his logic, Marth mumbled that 'Link wasn't going anywhere' and 'dating sites never work, anyway'.

**

* * *

AN: **Yet another chapter with just about no progress!

But there were some fun MarthxRoy moments, so it's okay, right?

Anyway, I hope you guys liked it and see you next week for another installment of 'Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid'~!


	5. In Which Roses Are Cut

**Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid**

**Summary: **Toon Link enlists the help of his fellow swordsmen to guide him on his quest to find love.

**Rating: **T

**Pairing(s): **MarthXRoy, IkeXPit, LinkXZelda, Toon Linkx(?)

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers or any of the characters related to it.

_Thinking_

"Speaking"

Narrating

Adding _inflection _to a sentence

* * *

Toon Link was not a happy camper.

_There has to be someone here who's actually useful._

After being ditched by Marth the day before, the young hylian had decided that the prince was equally as useless as his redheaded lover. Without a proper picture to attract anyone, he decided to scrap the dating site idea and come up with a new one.

Which proved to be a difficult task.

_Who else is there to go to? Ike was the most helpful so far, and he didn't really get me anywhere._

Toon Link continued to contemplate his next move whilst wandering the halls of the Smash Mansion, completely unaware of his surroundings.

Which means he was bound to run into someone sooner or later. Quite literally.

"Ow!"

"Ah, watch where you're going, kid!"

"..."

"...kid?"

"..."

"...hey kid, are you okay?"

This question would never be answered, as Toon Link was out cold due to the collision he had with the other male. Said male groaned in annoyance as he ran a hand through his brunette locks.

"..gosh darnit, can't I just go one day without having to get involved with some kid?," he complained. After a few more minutes of cursing his misfortune, the boy gently lifted the blond off the floor and carried him back to his room bridal-style.

He set the boy down onto his bed and looked around the room.

"Hmm..Ike's not back yet. I guess that's good," the brunette commented dryly. His attention went back to the blond as he thought of what to do now.

"I guess I'll just wait for him to wake up," he decided and took a seat on a nearby stool; waiting.

* * *

After ten minutes or so, Toon Link awoke to see a pair of cerulean doe eyes staring at him in boredom. The hylian took a moment to assess the situation.

_Am I in heaven?_

"Did I die?," the blond asked. The brunette stared at him for a moment before laughing lightly, shaking his head.

"No. You're alive, Toon," he answered. Toon Link blinked and sat up in confusion. After a brief moment of silence, his eyes widened as he stared at the other.

"Am I about to die?," he questioned the boy in fear.

"What? Why-"

"Is that what happens when you go to heaven? An angel comes down and takes you to heaven? Wait, so you'd be like the grim reaper, right?," the blond rambled, his words coming out faster by the second.

"No, no! I...you don't know who I am?," the brunette inquired. Toon Link squinted in contemplation as he studied the boy.

_He looks a little older than me. But he has wings, so he's an angel, right? He looks kinda familiar, but.._

"Pit? I live here? Newcomer?," the older male piped up, waiting for the blond to have some kind of epiphany.

"Hmm...doesn't ring a bell," he answered blankly. Pit sighed and face-palmed, mumbling about how it 'couldn't be too hard to remember the name of someone as different as angel'.

"You know, there's a lot of weird races here, Pin. An angel isn't really too special," Toon Link mumbled in his defense.

"Pit. My name is _Pit_," the angel corrected bitterly.

"Whatever you say, Pat," the blond replied smartly. Pit rolled his eyes, already used to childish behavior. He shifted in his seat, trying to think of what to do next.

"So, where am I and why?," the hylian asked. The brunette lifted his head in realization, forgetting to explain the situation.

"Right. Well, you ran into me and got knocked out so I carried you to my room and..well, here you are," he answered, "You can leave if you want."

Toon Link nodded and moved the white sheet covering him to the side, moving to leave. His eyes scanned the room for the first time, noticing a small plant sitting on the window-sill opposite him. He squinted slightly, studying it.

"Is that..a fruit tree?," he asked curiously. Taking note of the direction Toon Link was looking, Pit smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, an apple tree," he answered quietly. The blond 'hmm'ed in interest and glanced over at the brunette.  
"You know it's going to get a whole lot bigger, right?"

Pit laughed and nodded once more, staring at the small tree with a warm smile on his lips.

"I know. But that won't be for a while. I'll probably plant it somewhere in the backyard once it's ready," he explained more so to himself than the younger boy. Toon Link nodded in approval.

"Do you just like apples or something?," he asked slowly. Pit closed his eyes and sighed airily.

"As an angel, it's only natural to love nature. The sun, fresh air, the works. It's nice to have a plant in my living space. But that's not really why I have it in the first place," he answered, a musical laugh finishing the last sentence.

"Ike got it for me," he continued, "He named it 'Pike'. Original, isn't it?"

Toon Link closely studied the look on the brunette's face.

_He's got that look. The same look Marth had...and Roy, too._

"As lame as the name is, I love it all the same. It's kind of..sweet, you know? Kind of like..as our relationship grows, so does the tree. Though maybe I'm just being sentimental, heh."

The hylian couldn't help but blush ever-so slightly as the angel opened his eyes and looked at the small tree as if it were the most beautiful thing to ever come into existence. His eyes seemed to sparkle in the sunlight as he gained that dreamy look that every mentor had before.

_That look. He's in love._

"Pick?"

The brunette snapped out of his love-stupor and glanced over at the boy.

"Pit," he corrected once more.

"Yeah, whatever, Pot. Can..can I ask you something?," Toon Link asked shyly. Suddenly interested, the angel turned to face the boy and nodded.

"What else do people do for people they...lo-..l-lo-...like a whole lot?"

Pit took a moment to think this over, making a mental list of answers.

"Well, gifts are a good way to go. You can't go wrong with simple things like candy or flowers or..or something really special that comes from the heart. Like..a painting or something," he answered softly.

_Something from the heart, something from the heart..._

"I'm not that good at painting or art, really," the blond replied in embarrassment. Pit smiled and shrugged.

"Like I said, simple stuff is always good, too. Who are you trying to woo?," the angel asked in curiosity, his head tilted to the left.

Toon Link immediately froze.

_Is this really what I want to do? What if I'm wrong and I don't even like Lucas that way? Marth said to make sure I knew what I was going to give up..._

The hylian closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"N...Nana. I want to woo Nana," he answered boldly. Pit stared at him for a minute, trying to figure out why the blond was acting so strangely.

"Alright. Well, I may not be an expert when it comes to the ladies, but I'm pretty sure they like flowers," he responded reluctantly. Toon Link nodded and looked Pit straight in the eye.

"To the flower patch?"

Pit swallowed, not sure whether to oblige or not. He took a moment to think over the consequences.

"To the flower patch."

With a mutual, firm handshake, the duo nodded and set out on what may have been the last thing they would ever do.

* * *

It was no secret that Peach loved to garden.

It was also no secret that Peach did not like it when someone had the nerve to tread in her posies or stomp all over her petunias.

As proven by a certain redheaded swordsman, anyone who were to set foot in the territory - infamously known not just as 'the flower patch', but as "_The_ Flower Patch" - had to have had a death wish of some sort as they would immediately be risking their fate of 'death by high-heel to the face'.

Anyone who was stupid enough to be caught in The Flower Patch was also eligible for 'death by banishment of dessert rights' and could very well take their own lives when 'Triple-Fudge-Friday' came around.

Toon Link was now starting understand what Roy meant when he said that 'love makes you do stupid things'.

He knew in his heart and mind that this may be his final hour as he and Pit quietly tip-toed down the stairs of the Smash Mansion and slid open the back door.

The sky was decorated with shades of pink and orange that stretched across the sky as the two did their best to stay silent while leaping on their toes through the backyard. They made not a sound as the older of the two pulled out a pair of scissors and handed them to his partner in crime.  
"Five. Only five," the angel reminded the boy.

The young hylian nodded and hesitated before cautiously stepping into the gate that guarded his precious targets.

_Five roses. Crap, which ones should I take? There's pink, white, red...wait, are those yellow?_

Toon Link reached his arm out and snipped the limb of a delicate rose bush. His treasure fell to the soil in what seemed like slow-motion. After making sure that no one but Pit was watching, he quickly plucked the rose off the ground and gripped it in his hand.

"AH! OW!"

Pit cringed as the screams of his young friend sounded through the air and out to the heavens. He muttered a quick prayer as he spotted a blob of pink nearing in the distance.

"Toon! Quick! She's coming!," he whispered harshly. Toon Link fumbled with the scissors in his hand as he scrambled to reach the other side of the gate.

_Crap, crap craaap! Abort! Abort! Quick! Move, legs! Move!_

Pit had already bolted from his spot beside the gate, leaving the blond to panic. Without thinking, he dropped the scissors, grabbed the single flower, and took off running.

"M-MY ROSES! MY BEAUTIFUL ROSES!"

Toon Link winced as he heard the sobs of Princess Peach turn to raw, unadulterated fury.

_Nana better like roses._

* * *

Nana didn't like roses.

In fact, it seemed that Nana wasn't even remotely interested in anything but staring off into space with a dreamy school-girl look that completely embodied the term 'infatuation'.

"He's not even that hot, you know."

Nana sent a fierce glare in the direction of her brother.

"Not everything is about looks, Popo! He's more than that. He's charming and intelligent and cunning...he's everything a girl could ask for!"

Ness rolled his eyes.

"I hope that by 'a girl' you mean 'Marth'. He's already taken, Nana. It's about time you get over your little crush and-"

"It isn't just a _crush_!," the girl insisted, "And he's only with that Marth-guy to make me jealous! He _gave me_ his _cake_, Ness! You _know_ how much he loves that special chocolate cake Peach makes every few months." With a stubborn 'hmph', the young smasher turned back to admire the object of her affections.

Ness shook his head at the girl and rested his head on his hand, bored. Popo took to sunset watching and studied the sky with a delighted sigh.

A comfortable silence fell over the trio for what seemed like hours.

"Hey, Toon," Ness greeted monotonously as the blond reached the group. The hylian nodded in acknowledgment before lightly tapping on Nana's shoulder. The girl didn't move.

"N-Nana?," Toon Link nearly whispered. The girl jumped and turned, waving at the blond.

"Hey, Toonie! Sorry, I wasn't paying attention," she said. The blond shrugged and smiled before kneeling down on one knee before the young smasher and bowing his head. He brought his hand up to show her the rose as he glanced up to smile at her.

"Nana? Will you...go on a date with m-"

"Ha! There's your proof!," Popo rudely interrupted, "No guy makes out with someone like that if they're trying to make someone jealous!"

Nana turned on her heel and quickly studied the scene before her.

"What the-? But...! You're wrong!," the girl shouted, "He's just confused! Give it some time and-"

"The look on his face isn't exactly one of confusion," Ness pointed out. Nana let out a frustrated growl and stomped away, leaving the trio of boys to question the sanity of females.

"Hey, Toon, were you saying something?"

Toon Link hung his head in defeat and shook his head.

"It..uh..wasn't important," he concluded. Popo shrugged and went back to watching the sunset. The hylian sighed and took a seat by Ness.

"Something wrong?," the boy asked. Toon Link hesitated before looking up at him.

"Hey, Ness? Do you like roses?"

Ness blinked.

"Uh..I guess. I'm not really that into flowers, though," he answered. Toon Link whined and hid his head in his hands.

"I'm going to be single forever, Ness," he complained. The boy shrugged and patted the blond's back.

"It's not so bad. You'll find someone," he comforted. The hylian sighed but nodded in agreement.

_I wonder..._

"Hey, Ness? One more thing."

"Yeah?"

"Would..you give this to Lucas for me?"

Ness glanced down at the delicate rose. It's base was a warm golden yellow that reminded him of his blond companion, which in turn made him smile. On the tips of the flower were streaks of a passionate red-orange that dipped into the petals, giving it the appearance of a peach.

"Yeah, sure," he answered with a smile. Toon Link handed the boy the flower before waving goodbye and making his way to his room.

_Well, that didn't go very well._

* * *

"Hey, Lucas."

The blond in question turned at the sound of his name to see his roommate entering their shared space.

"Yes?," he answered quietly.

To his surprise, Ness handed him a rose.

"Toon Link said to give this to you," he explained in a non-caring tone, despite the faint smile that was present on his features.

Lucas felt something flutter in his chest as he held with flower with great delicateness. He felt a sudden warmth wash over him as he pictured the young hylian in his mind.

"Did he?," he whispered.

Ness glanced over at the blond and sighed.

"Yeah. He must've gotten it from Peach's flower patch."

A soft pink dusted the young blond's cheeks, his breath suddenly caught.

"_The_ Flower Patch?"

Ness nodded.

"Mmmhmm. He must have a death wish or something. It takes a special kind of idiot to risk their lives for a single flower."  
Lucas nodded but smiled nonetheless. He twirled the rose in his fingers, carefully tracing the side of each thorn with his thumb.

"But he didn't really risk it for nothing, did he?"

Lucas looked up to see a devious smirk on his roommate's face. His blush darkened immediately.

"I..guess not," was the response.

**

* * *

A/N: **Well, surprise surprise! We've got plot development, guys!  
I feel like it may have been a little bit rushed, but I don't mind too much.  
Sorry it took so long to update, but it's a little longer than usual so that might make up for it.

NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE AN OMAKE.

This is kind of the turning point in the story, so I'd just like to throw a filler in for fun.

Reviews make the world go 'round~!


	6. Omake: In Which Roy Isn't Scheming

**Swordsmen Do Not Equal Cupid**

**Summary: **Toon Link enlists the help of his fellow swordsmen to guide him on his quest to find love.

**Rating:** T

**Pairing(s): **MarthXRoy, IkeXPit, LinkXZelda, Toon LinkxLucas, PitxRed (bromance)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Super Smash Brothers or any of the characters related to it.

_Thinking_

"Speaking"

Narrating

Adding _inflection_ to a sentence

* * *

Toon Link was not nearly as innocent as any of the other young smashers. Whether it was due to the influence of his fellow swordsmen or because he simply was prone to being at the wrong place at the wrong time was irrelevant; the fact was that Toon Link wasn't oblivious to the more adult side of life.

This was blindingly obvious to the likes of certain redheaded schemers – who may or may not have been the force behind Toon Link's first playboy magazine – but was unknown to most residents of Smash Mansion.

This included the blue-haired duo lounging outside the mansion on a clear Saturday morning; one pacing and one watching with mild interest.

"It seems that he's made his decision," the pacing one said, "Rumor has it that he gave one of Peach's roses to Lucas a few days ago."

The taller, less caring man who was casually sitting on a bench nearby sat up straighter at this news.

"From _The_Flower Patch? He really must be serious..," the man mused. The other sighed and nodded, continuing his pacing in front of the bench.

"I think it's time, Ike," he nearly whispered after a minute of silence. The seated man blinked and stared at the prince in slight confusion.

"What do you mean 'it's time'? Time for what?"

Marth sighed and crossed his arms, took a deep breath, and looked the taller swordsman straight in the eye as he answered.

"I think it's time for...the talk."

* * *

Red had no interest in shenanigans.

Though he openly admitted to enjoying the pronunciation and use of the word, he rather disliked the definition and occurrence of it. Unfortunately for him, his younger and much more excitable companions wouldn't trade a minute of rough-housing or practical joking for all the candy in the world. This left Red with the duty of rounding up all the youngsters of Smash Mansion, (excluding the somewhat more mature Toon Link), with nothing but him, himself and the only smasher known to train Pokemon.

He had recently been informed about the possible chemistry between Lucas and Toon Link, and was unsure what to think of it. In fact, he was mildly confused at how it would even be possible that Toon Link, the younger version of Link himself, could "swing that way." Not that there was anything wrong with that, he often added as an afterthought. Though at the moment, he could focus little on his own thoughts as the rowdy youths of Smash Mansion were beginning to get restless.

Red took a deep breath and ordered them all to go to his room. They obeyed with enthusiasm and stampeded their way up the stairs, down the hall, and to the third door on the left. The much less ecstatic brunette marched himself up the stairs before running into an equally brunette angel mumbling to himself. With no desire to get to his room anytime soon, Red decided to make conversation.

"Pit?" He started casually. The angel being addressed seemed to snap out of his thoughts as he looked up at Red with wide eyes.

"Red, you've got to hide me," he begged, grabbing onto the boy's shoulders in desperation, "Marth and Ike are on this mission to-"

"To what?"

Pit gave the Pokemon trainer an annoyed stare.

"I was about to tell you, _Red_," he responded; his voice laced with irritation.

"Piiit! Come 'ere! We need your help with this!"

The angel yelped and grabbed onto the brunette's arm, dragging him down the hallway in a panicked fast-walk.

"Please, just hide me! I don't know what they want from me but it can't be good," he pleaded in a whisper. Red sighed and guided the boy into his room. The duo was met with blank stares from the children occupying the room as the door was slammed closed and locked.

"Thank you so much!" Pit exclaimed, hugging the other. Red nodded and gently pushed the boy off, looking at him in confusion.

"I still don't see why you're so scared. Ike isn't so bad and Marth shouldn't be a concern," he reasoned. The angel shook his head.

"You never know, Red. Roy might be behind all this and you know what happens when Roy is behind something," the angel shuddered as flashbacks played in the back of his mind, "Especially if Marth is involved."

Red politely waited for Pit to come back to reality. However, the smaller brunette's nostalgia session was cut short by a curt knock at the door. Pit scrambled across the room and dove under the bed at the exact moment Red had opened the door.

"Where is he?"

The angel flattened himself against the carpet as he peered from under the bed. He couldn't quite place who had entered the room, but going by the voice, he guessed it was Ike. His suspicions were soon confirmed as the blue-haired man reached under the bed and pulled the brunette out from his hiding spot. Pit let out a loud whine as he stood to see both Ike and Marth staring at him. Red was leaning against the wall and watching the scene with mild interest as the younger smashers moved to stand beside him.

"Pit, we need your help," Marth explained calmly. The angel sighed and crossed his arms.

"I'm not watching anyone, holding anyone down, cross-dressing, slipping anything into anyone's drink-"

"We just need you to get Toon over here," Ike interrupted. Pit stopped his ranting and stared blankly at the mercenary.

"Really? That's it?" He asked skeptically. Marth nodded and stepped aside so Pit could reach the door. The angel eyed both swordsmen before humbly accepting the task at hand and exiting Red's room.

* * *

Toon Link was excited.

It was announced that Smash Gym would soon be opened once more as fighting season was only a few months away. The Smash Gym was a large gymnasium with a plethora of work-out machines and an impressive collection of training videos for the more visual smashers. Master Hand had invested in this instead of a bowling alley ; much to the chagrin of the more fun-oriented smashers.

Luckily, Toon Link was finally of age to use the bigger machines in the Smash Gym. For quite a time, he had always been too short to reach the bar on the adult treadmill and wasn't mature enough to lift weights, thus resorting to using the kiddie trampoline and joining the girls with their kickboxing video sessions. But this year, he was just tall enough to change the speeds on the treadmill and was just far enough into puberty to lift weights.

_I'm going to use everything they have!_

Currently, the young Hylian was searching for his best work-out clothes and examining the status of his physical fitness.

_By the time Smash Season comes around, I'm going to be sooo ripped!_

The blond stood in front of the mirror on the back of his door, posing as he checked himself out. He flexed his arms as he pretended to be a body-builder and flipped his hair as he imagined himself battling a vicious dragon.

_Toon Link, defender of Hyrule, goes up against the largest dragon known to man in an attempt to save the kidnapped Princess Lucas from the clutches of evil! _

The boy spun around the room, almost dancing as he faced off against the imaginary dragon.

_He makes a turn to the left to try and catch the dragon off guard but it's no use! The dragon lunges forward and lets out a breath of fire but it doesn't even touch Toon Link! He searches the area for a weapon to stab the dragon with and finds none other than a sword buried deep in a single rock. _

He picked up a brush on his mad dash around the room and lifted it to the ceiling, as if blessed by a god.

_He is the only man who has been able to release the sword from the sacred rock. He shines it to the heavens in thanks._

The boy twirled around in a circle and began thrusting the brush in the air.

_Toon Link dodges yet another blow dealt by the dastardly dragon! He pulls back and plunges the sword into the dragon's neck with all his might; effectively killing it! _

He mimicked the sound of a crowd cheering as the brush went flying across the room and collided with a lamp.

"Princes Lucas has been saved thanks to Toon Link!" The young Hylian exclaimed.

"Bravo! Bravo!"

The blond jumped when he heard the sound of clapping and whirled around to see Pit leaning against the door frame to his room; clapping in amusement. Toon Link blushed and stood up straight, trying to maintain as much dignity as possible. He cleared his throat and crossed his arms.

"May I help you?" He asked. Pit laughed and used one arm to steady himself on the door frame as he answered.

"You've been summoned by Prince Marth of Altea," he responded in a slightly mocking manner.

"For what? I'm not accepting any more advice, thank you very much," he replied.

Pit shook his head and waltzed into Toon Link's room, looking around in curiosity. The boy shyly slipped on his work-out clothing in safety of his closet before walking out and meeting back with the angel.

"You've got an interesting room here, Toon," he commented. The young Hylian shrugged and walked out of his room, leaving the door open just wide enough for Pit to follow. The blond walked briskly down the main mall of Smash Mansion with the angel behind him, lightly fluttering his wings as he speed walked to catch up to the Hylian.

"So, I wasn't kidding about Marth wanting to talk to you," the brunette commented as they walked. Toon Link sighed and stopped just outside of the Smash Gym before turning to Pit.

"Look, Pin-"

"_Pit_."

"Whatever, Pick. I've been waiting and waiting to be able to get on the adult workout machines and I'll be damned if I don't get to at least lift some weights by the end of the day. Got it?"

The angel considered his options. If he didn't manage to bring Toon Link to Marth and Ike, either:

a. Ike would go get Toon Link himself (with physical force, no doubt)

b. Marth would enlist the help of Roy to get Toon Link (which could end a vast number of ways)

c. They would forget about it and let Pit be on his merry way to do as he pleased

"No, that's not happening," the brunette muttered to himself in slight annoyance.

"Alright, Toon, I'll make a deal with-"

The angel blinked. The blond had already disappeared and could be easily spotted strutting around in the Smash Gym, earning a few giggles from the girls inside. Pit sighed and walked into the gym and followed the Hylian until he settled on a machine.

"Toon, come on! The gym doesn't close for hours. It'll just take a few minutes," the brunette pleaded. Toon Link half-listened as he set the speed on the treadmill he had chosen and began speed-walking. The sound of the conveyor belt moving drowned out almost all of Pit's words and only got louder as the speed picked up.

_Maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away...?  
_  
The angel sighed in annoyance and waited patiently for the Hylian to finish, thinking of ways to persuade the blond.

* * *

"No, put that down!"

"Hey! Ness! Catch!"

"Wha-? OW! HEY!"

"No, don't! Ugh..guys, a little help here?"

Ike had effectively blocked out the younger smasher's mindless chatter and had zoned out for over ten minutes. He blinked and surveyed the room. He took note of Ness chasing Popo, who was holding a strange red and white ball that Red seemed to be trying to take from him. Nana was hopping up and down on the bed and cheering for Ness, who had a large red mark on his forehead.

"Hey, weren't there four here when we first came in?" Ike asked no one in particular. When the mercenary glanced over at Marth, he saw the missing smasher and felt slightly relieved. Lucas had taken a sudden liking to the prince's cape and decided to study it up close; away from the loud and potentially destructive youngsters running around the room like madmen. Marth didn't seem to mind and even looked a bit protective of the blond.

"N-Not to be rude," the brunette in the room started as he wrestled with Popo, "But why are you guys here?"

Both blue-haired men exchanged looks before Marth cleared his throat and spoke up.

"Well, we need to talk to Toon Link about something very-"

"Sex. We're gonna talk about sex."

The room went silent as the prince turned to glare at Ike. The mercenary shrugged in response and looked over at Red, who had successfully taken back his Poké Ball from the now frozen-in-place Popo.  
Lucas came out from his hiding spot behind Marth and pulled on his hand.

"Marth? What's...what's se-..sex?"

The prince's cheeks heated up immediately and he searched his mind for an answer. The whole room seemed focused on him, especially the younger smashers, and seemed to be waiting for any response.

"W-well...um.."

The youngsters settled themselves into sitting positions as they waited. Marth cleared his throat and began pacing.

"You see, when two people love each other _very_much-"

"They get married," Red interrupted, giving the prince a stern look. He nodded in response and continued.

"Yes, they _get married _and after that they...express their love for one another with physical affection."

Popo raised his hand in the air, waving it as he waited to be called on. Marth blinked and pointed at the boy.

"Do they like..hug or something?" He asked. Ness scoffed and shook his head.

"Why would you have to get married to hug someone?"

Popo shrugged and crossed his arms in a defensive manner.

"I don't know! Maybe it's a special kind of hug," he responded.

Ike chuckled as he listened, amused by the smashers' clueless banter. Marth cleared his throat once more and held up a hand to bring attention back to him.

"It _is_ a special kind of hug. The kind of hug that you save for the one person you love very much and want to be with forever," he clarified, "And that's why it's important to save that special hug for that special someone."

Nana smiled and gazed up at the prince in understanding. She raised her hand for a moment then giggled.

"What does this special hug look like?"

Ike burst out laughing and Marth blushed deeper. Red resisted the urge to connect the palm of his hand with his face as he waited for the answer.

"W-Well..it's..very intimate and..um.."

"Wait. Is this the same 'hug' that makes babies?" Ness asked. Ike gave Marth an amused grin as he sputtered in surprise.

"Erm..yes. Yes, it is," he answered. Ness stared at the prince in confusion and slowly raised his hand in skepticism.

"But only girls and boys can do that," he stated. Ike whistled and patted Marth on the shoulder, trying not to laugh as he did so.

"Good luck with that one, _Marthy_."

* * *

Pit was fed up.

It wasn't uncommon for him to be stuck in situations where he would be treated like a doormat; he couldn't help but be a little shy and unassertive, it was in his nature. However, he drew the line at being ignored for a full 45 minutes straight.

Toon Link hadn't responded to any compromises the angel had attempted to make and looked like he could continue going for at least five more hours. Pit couldn't take it anymore.

He calmly walked up to the weight bench Toon Link had selected and grabbed two nearby weights to add to the bar. The Hylian gave him a confused look before lifting the bar off, making it almost crash down to his chest.

_Holy-! _

"What did you put on here?" He nearly yelled, trying to lift the bar up. Pit grabbed onto the bar and held it up slightly higher than before.

"Doesn't matter. We're going to go visit Marth, okay?"

_Oh, so he's going to play dirty then? Ha! It's not even that heavy!_

Toon Link glared at the angel and shook his head. In response, the brunette smiled and dropped the bar, making it fall back down to meet the Hylian's chest. The blond struggled with the weight on his chest, squirming and pushing with all his might.

_Dammit. _

"Alright, fine! I'll go, I'll go!"

Pit nodded and lifted the bar with ease and set it down in it's proper place.

"I knew you'd see things my way," he commented as he gingerly took the weights off. Toon Link gasped for air and sat up, almost tumbling off the bench.

_Head rush, head rush!_

"Let's go, kid," the angel said in a sing-song tone, grabbing the blond's arm and pulling him to stand up. Toon Link glared at the back of his head as he followed.

_If I could shoot lasers from my eyes, he would be so dead right now._

* * *

Ike was getting impatient.

Sure, it was pretty hilarious to watch Marth try to explain sexual orientation and the the difference between the "hug" that made babies and the "hug" that could be shared between two males or females, but it was wasting a lot of time. They still needed to explain to Toon Link all the important cliché topics like _using protection_ and _abstinence_and all that jazz.

From the looks of it, Marth wasn't very good at discussing such topics. Ike, however, was excited and ready to guide the young Hylian with a speech already brewing up in his head.

"Too bad he's not even here yet," the mercenary mumbled in annoyance. Not that anyone really had heard him; they were all too busy listening to Marth tip-toe around the topic of whether he himself had given anyone that 'one special hug'. Red seemed to be trying to block out the answer while sporting a bored expression. Nana crossed her arms.

"Marth couldn't have hugged anyone, he's not married!"

"W-well, _actually_-"

"So? How do we know that you have to be married to do it? They could just be saying that so we don't go around hugging people," Ness reasoned.

"No, you have to be married," Red stated bluntly, "Right, Marth?"

The prince blinked and blushed, nodding dumbly in response.

Ike was about to put in his two cents about the marriage requirement when he got a face full of door. Pit had kicked the door open and dragged the young Hylian into Red's room, a pissed-off-beyond-belief look on his face.

"I got him," the angel said in a tired tone, shoving the boy in Marth's direction. The prince caught him quickly and looked down at the brunette in slight concern.

"Um..Pit? Are you-"

"He bit my arm thirteen times, kicked my shins every six seconds and made me fall down the stairs _twice_," he interrupted, "Next time, _you_get him."

Toon Link rolled his eyes.

_It was more like every thirty seconds. Exaggeration, much. _

Marth nodded and looked down at the Hylian.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," he stated simply. Toon Link blinked; waiting for elaboration. When no one seemed to answer, Popo decided to jump in.

"Sex! They were going to talk to you about sex!"

_Exit. There has to be an exit somewhere._

"Um..yes. That," Marth said, letting out a nervous laugh. Ike took a deep breath and went over his inspirational speech in his head once more.

_Come on, Toonie! You've been training for this your whole life! Just find an opening and-..oh! Right there!_

"You see, Toon," Ike started, in a very fatherly and casual voice, "There comes a time when your hormones are raging and you can't help but give in to temptation. Now, when this happens, you need to be protected so-"

"_Ike._ I believe you would _fight_the temptation in that situation, not give in," Red argued. The mercenary looked over at the younger smashers, hanging on to every word he was saying. He waved his hand dismissively.

_Now, when they're all distracted!_

"I'm just looking at this realistically, Red. I mean, you can't tell me that you've never-"

"No, I haven't," the brunette answered quickly, cutting off the blue-haired man. Marth coughed and exchanged glances with Ike; his eyes darting from the mercenary's to the general direction of the smashers watching intently.

"Guys, come on! They're going to find out sooner or later that-"

"Ha! So you _were_lying to us!"

_Quick, just slip from Marth's grasp and run as fast as possible out the door. It's even cracked open for easier access to the outside. Alright, on one..._

Both Popo and Nana hopped up from their seats to show how displeased they were. Ness had an 'I-told-you-so' expression on and Lucas just blinked in confusion.

_Two... _

Marth's hands shot up in front of him as he tried to calm the youngsters.

"It was just for your own safety! You guys are a little too young to be knowing about these thi-"

"Oh, so we're too young but Toon Link isn't? He's just two years older than any of us!"

"Two years can be a rather _large_difference in maturity-"

"Not really. Roy's two years older than Pit and he acts like a 10-year-old hopped up on Mountain Dew."

Marth turned to glare at Ike for a moment before continuing.

"Roy may be immature in some instances but he's can be mature if need be."

_Three!_

Toon Link launched himself from Marth's grasp to the door. He got into position to bolt as fast as he could out into the hallway but crashed into an unexpected wall of cushioning instead. At least, he thought it was a wall until he heard an audible stream of profanities sound through the air.

"Ugh..what the hell, Toonie!"

The blond blinked and sat up.

_What great timing, Roy._

"Speak of the devil," Ike commented, peering out of the doorway. The redhead smirked and jumped up.

"You were talking about me? Oh, I'm so flattered," he taunted the mercenary, "Next thing you know I'll be haunting your dreams, too."

Ike's eye twitched and Marth walked over to the doorway as soon as he heard the familiar voice of his lover.

"Roy? What are you doing here?"

The redhead sighed and picked up a bag off the floor before walking over to the prince.

"Well, I was going to give Toonie here a nice talk about-"

"Sex?"

Roy blinked and looked over at Red, who seemed to want to be anywhere but in the same room as the swordsmen.

"Um..no? He already knows about that stuff; had that talk with him _months _ago," he clarified, crushing Ike's hopes and enthusiasm. The mercenary frowned and half-glared at the boy, disappointed that his inspirational speech would never be heard.

"I was just going to give him this," the redhead said, pulling out a box from the bag he was holding. Toon Link hopped up from the floor and snatched the box away, opening it to see what was inside.

"A...sweatband?"

Roy laughed and nodded.

"Yeah! You're old enough to use the adult workout machines now, right?"

The Hylian smiled and nodded, high-fiving the other. Marth rubbed his neck as he processed the situation.

"Wait, so..he's already had the talk?"

The redhead shrugged.

"Well, _yeah_. The kid's almost_ Pit's_age, of course he's had the talk!"

Marth sighed in relief and smiled.

"Well, good. I think we're done here, Ike," the prince said, walking our of Red's room. The mercenary grumbled under his breath in annoyance with Pit and Toon Link, who was hastily trying to put the sweatband on, trailing behind.

"Hey, Roy?"

Roy hesitated and looked down to see all the younger smashers gathered around him. He blinked.

"Uh..yeah?"

Lucas twiddled his thumbs and stared down at his feet as he responded quietly.

"Can you tell us what sex is?"

The redhead thought for a moment before nodding and smiling.

"You see, kids. When you love someone very close to you, you feel the urge to put a little something of yours into a little something of theirs," he stated bluntly. Nana smiled.

"Like put your hand in theirs?"

Roy laughed.

"Oh, no! Nothing like that," he answered in a tone a little too joyful. Ness blinked.

"Then what-"

The redhead leaned down to the boy's ear and whispered just loud enough for the whole group to hear.

It was then that Red decided to never let Roy within a 3-foot radius of the younger smashers ever again.

* * *

**AN: **A little fun-fact, this chapter was re-written a total of four times. The original storyline was centered around Roy and Marth fighting over something stupid that Roy did, but it was never finished. I was going to save the idea for this omake for later, but decided that it would be fine to use it now. The next chapter should come next week thanks to summer break and I hope there's still some loyal readers. Also, sorry for any grammatical/technical errors. This chapter hasn't been edited yet but will be soon enough!


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